THE HIDDEN COST OF ENABLING - HOW IT PREVENTS GROWTH or “NO MORE LITTLE LICKS OF MILK”

Rus Devorah (Darcy) Wallen, LCSW, ACSW, CIMHP

INTRODUCTION
Enabling behavior, often cloaked in compassion and a sincere desire to help, can unintentionally hinder personal development and reinforce maladaptive patterns. By shielding others from the natural consequences of their actions, enablers may prevent the growth of essential life skills such as resilience, accountability, and self-regulation. This article explores the mechanics of enabling behavior, its psychological underpinnings, and practical strategies to shift from enabling to empowering.

UNDERSTANDING ENABLING BEHAVIOR

Enabling involves actions that inadvertently support or sustain another person’s harmful behavior by preventing them from experiencing its consequences. Often, this dynamic is rooted in codependency—a psychological condition where an individual derives self-worth from the needs of another, leading to patterns of over-helping (Beattie, 1986; Mellody, 1989).

Enabling can take many forms: rescuing someone from repeated financial crises, excusing chronic misconduct, or overcompensating for repeated irresponsibility. A poignant illustration comes from clinical experience:

A mother, despite being otherwise well-adjusted, expressed despair over her son’s forgetfulness. Each afternoon, after returning from school, he would plead, “Mommy, mommy, take me back before the janitor locks the doors!” Daily, she drove him back to retrieve his forgotten backpack. By rescuing him, she reinforced the behavior. After gentle encouragement, she eventually said no. He protested and faced consequences at school. But over time, he stopped forgetting. Responsibility emerged not through repeated rescue, but through discomfort and accountability. This case reflects the foundation of experiential learning—the process by which individuals internalize growth through direct consequences (Kolb, 2015).

THE IMPACT OF ENABLING ON PERSONAL GROWTH

When individuals are shielded from the repercussions of their actions, their personal development stalls. Key outcomes include:

Stagnation: Avoiding discomfort means avoiding growth. Without setbacks or challenges, individuals miss out on developing critical life skills such as emotional regulation, decision-making, and resilience (Dweck, 2006).

Dependence: Over time, recipients of enabling behavior may internalize the belief that they cannot cope without assistance, undermining self-efficacy (Bandura, 1997).

Reinforcement of Negative Behaviors: Without natural consequences, individuals are more likely to repeat maladaptive patterns. As research on behavioral conditioning demonstrates, even intermittent reinforcement can strengthen unhealthy behaviors (Martz et al., 2004).

BREAKING THE CYCLE: THE “HAPPY OR CRAPPY” DANCE

Clients often wonder why loved ones continue destructive patterns. The answer lies in relational dynamics—what I call the “happy and crappy dance.” Every relationship forms a choreography over time. When one person steps into a role (rescuer, victim, aggressor), the other adjusts, forming a predictable rhythm (Kerr & Bowen, 1988).

Imagine a couple performing a synchronized waltz. If one partner suddenly stops, the dance halts. The abrupt change forces the other to recalibrate. Likewise, in relationships, when one party chooses a new response—refusing to yell back, withdrawing from drama, or declining to enable—a disruption occurs. This moment of pause is powerful. It’s the beginning of a new dance.

This concept mirrors Bowenian Family Systems Theory, which posits that modifying one’s role in the system can trigger change across the system (Kerr & Bowen, 1988). However, this is not easy. Old habits are neurologically entrenched. The phenomenon of neuroplasticity (Doidge, 2007, 2015) explains why, even after years of therapy, individuals may revert to familiar responses when re-entering old relational contexts (Haghbin et al., 2022).

CHANGING THE DANCE: MINDFUL INTERRUPTION

Let’s say every conversation with your father ends in an argument. He raises his voice; you respond in kind. This is your dance. But what if, instead of mirroring his behavior, you pause and say, “I’m not engaging in a shouting match. I’ll walk away if this continues.” And then you follow through. This simple boundary disrupts the choreography. The key is consistent interruption of the pattern. One-time boundary-setting is rarely sufficient. Those entrenched in the old dance will test the new steps. Repetition—and patience—are essential to retrain both your brain and theirs.

“NO MORE LITTLE LICKS OF MILK”

I explain this to my clients using a metaphor: “No more little licks of milk.”🎵 (see below for my Suno song)

Imagine feeding a stray cat a few drops of milk daily. It survives—but just barely. The cat returns each morning, dependent on your offering. Similarly, enabling provides just enough sustenance to maintain dysfunction, not enough to foster thriving. True growth begins when we remove the “milk” and allow the other to seek their own nourishment. This metaphor resonates across addiction, relational dependency, and chronic irresponsibility. The antidote is not cruelty—it is compassionate detachment. It is choosing long-term growth over short-term comfort.

🎵 “No More Little Licks of Milk” – Poem turned composition: Listen on Suno

ENCOURAGING INDEPENDENCE AND GROWTH

To shift from enabling to empowering, consider these principles:

Set Clear Boundaries
Define the scope of your support. Use assertive communication, ensuring boundaries are respected (Cloud & Townsend, 1992).

Encourage Accountability
Let others experience consequences. As Angelyn Miller notes, “Protecting people from pain is sometimes the most harmful thing we can do” (Miller, 2001).

Promote Problem-Solving Skills
Instead of giving immediate solutions, ask guiding questions: “What do you think would work here?” This builds autonomy (Dweck, 2006).

Support Self-Efficacy
Celebrate small wins. Acknowledge when someone takes ownership of a problem, even imperfectly. These affirmations help rebuild a positive self-concept (Bandura, 1997).

CONCLUSION

While enabling often stems from love, it can paradoxically inhibit the very growth it seeks to support. By becoming aware of these patterns and choosing new, more empowering behaviors, we can transform our relationships—and ourselves. Remember, growth is rarely comfortable, but it is always worth it. As the dance of dysfunction halts, a new rhythm emerges—one of resilience, responsibility, and genuine connection.

BIBLIOGRAPHY

Bandura, A. (1997). Self-efficacy: The exercise of control. Freeman.

Beattie, M. (1986). Codependent No More. Hazelden.

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries. Zondervan.

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Doidge, N. (2007). The brain that changes itself: Stories of personal triumph from the frontiers of brain science. Viking.

Doidge, N. (2015). The brain’s way of healing: Remarkable discoveries and recoveries from the frontiers of neuroplasticity. Viking.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Ballantine Books.

Glasser, W. (1998). Choice Theory. Harper Perennial.

Haghbin, M., McCaffrey, A., & Pychyl, T. A. (2022). Promoting a Growth Mindset Decreases Behavioral Self-Handicapping. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, 821206.

Kerr, M. E., & Bowen, M. (1988). Family Evaluation. Norton.

Martz, E., et al. (2004). The Role of Enabling in Alcohol Use. Substance Use & Misuse, 39(5), 689-706.

Mellody, P. (1989). Facing Codependence. HarperOne.

Mellody, P. (1989). Breaking Free: A Recovery Workbook. HarperOne.

Miller, A. (2001). The Enabler. Hats Off Books.

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Verywell Mind. (2023). Enabler Behavior: Motivations, Signs, and Strategies.

Michaelson, P. (2017). The Essentials of Empowerment for Enablers. whywesuffer.com